Fuck.

Maybe if I say this aloud I can get my head to shut the fuck up for a minute           I feel like I talked about myself too much when I was with her but you have to understand I wanted to tell her everything and she was as good a listener as I was a good talker and that’s a rare fucking thing to find so when she seemed like a person who I could talk to forever and never stumble never misspeak never step too far never embarrass herself never be afraid                     You could see how my mind was reeling                         And isn’t it interesting how all writing about women revolves around them being perfect where their imperfections are just brush strokes of more perfection layered atop the great pile of greatness they already are but tell me where are the loud belches she would rip out on a moment’s notice where were the comments that the possibility of me even as a friend                    Yeah no not even as a romantic interest because let’s be fucking honest with ourselves and understand that that’s pure fantasy                   That the possibility of me even as a friend was almost unrealistic            That I loved talking to her and it’s not that I loved the idea of talking with her and believe me I have done that enough times to know the difference  No she felt real she made me realize how much of myself was missing by virtue of just how much there was of her and I don’t know if you would have seen what I saw but I am beginning to think that is the thing about love             It is like looking through a crowd and there’s someone you have the perfect view of and you feel like you can see what no one sees and you wish                          You wish that she was looking back at you because in the crowd there are other people looking at you and there’s every type of person looking at you and you’re not looking at them because they’re either not your type or seem too basic or their personality is rough around the edges or you think you can do better or that some of them are even men for that matter         Yeah none of this matters because the reason                    The reason you are looking at her is because you have a perfect view of her and she’s not looking your way at all and when you talk to her and she looks you in the eyes and you shift in your seat uncomfortably because nobody else looks into you the way she does and you feel like you’re fucking naked and being naked is by far the last thing you want to be with her because there’s some stuff you cannot take back and there are moments that you wish you could wake up from                I am not going to project myself onto you anymore because that’s a coward’s move                            It’s that I want what I cannot have                            Right?                   That’s what it is about because it’s not about how beautiful those brown eyes are or how she has a presence that fucking                         That fucking grabs your attention and pulls you towards her and it’s not that she’s funny and it’s not that she’s not only cute but real sexy and usually these are mutually exclusive from my experience but we’re not talking about experiences here because here is now                     It’s that she’s new and something unexplored and oh I cannot say no to myself but I’ve already tried that type and maybe she’s a new type altogether and I should just         Fuck.

 

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